


Terror of Knowing

by dragons_and_angels



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s02e01 Under Pressure, Established Relationship, Extra Treat, M/M, Past Evan "Buck" Buckley/Abby Clark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29427297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragons_and_angels/pseuds/dragons_and_angels
Summary: Abby breaks up with Buck over a text message when she's in Ireland. It hurts but Buck was sure it would hurt a lot more if Eddie and Christopher weren't there to lift his spirits. Then Eddie turns up to work at the 118 and Buck doesn't know what's going on.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 263
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 6





	Terror of Knowing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smartbuckley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/gifts).



> I love the whole thing about Eddie and Buck being in a relationship throughout the show and so when I saw the prompt for the two of them being together before Eddie came to the 118, I loved it. Also I've expanded the length of time between season 1 and season 2.

Buck cursed as he pushed himself up onto his hands and knees. Everything in his body was bruised and aching. He had been shy about dating again after Abby, wanting a relationship rather than just sex, and being attacked on his first date wasn't going to help that fear at all. He had just wanted to do something without his friends or sister knowing, without them wanting to give an opinion on how soon after Abby it was to find someone else. 

He tried to stand, only for his ankle to give way beneath him. 

"Well, this sucks," he said as pushed himself back on his knees again. 

"Are you alright?" The voice had him turning to look at the mouth of the alley. A man was standing there, muscled and very pretty with styled brown hair that Buck wasn't sure whether he was jealous of or wanted to run his fingers through. Good to know that he was still very bi. 

"Well, I would really like to say no because otherwise this would just be really embarrassing." Buck leaned onto his good leg. "But nothing's broken, just bruised."

"You look pretty banged up." The man glanced back and then came closer to Buck. He crouched down. "I'm Eddie, I'm a medic. Did you pass out at all?" 

Buck shook his head, feeling distantly amused. "Nah. No puking, no double vision, no headache even. My face hurts but I've broken my nose before and this definitely isn't it." 

"Were you attacked?" Eddie said. 

"Dad!" Both of them turned. A small boy with curly hair and brightly coloured crutches was standing right where Eddie had been. 

"Christopher!" Eddie's voice suddenly very protective and stressed. "You were supposed to wait at the car." 

"Are you okay?" Christopher asked Buck. He didn't ignore his dad, just did that thing kids do where they wanted to ask a question and it came out. It was one of Buck's favourite things about kids. 

"I'm fine," Buck said, automatically disguising any pain or frustration. "I hurt my ankle a little and when I fell over, your dad came to help." 

Christopher grinned at him. "He's good at that. My name's Christopher." 

"My name's Buck," he said and then glanced at Eddie. He seemed happy to allow the conversation. 

"Buck?" Christopher asked, tilting his head to one side like an owl. He has an open, curious expression and Buck found himself smiling at Christopher before he knew it. 

"Yeah. My full name is Evan Buckley but only my sister calls me Evan. My friends call me Buck." He shoved away any thought of his parents. Eddie was hovering as if wondering whether or not to end this interaction but, to give him credit, he let his kid handle it. 

"What happened to your face?" Christopher asked next and this time Eddie did step in. 

"You calling me ugly?" Buck asked, his smile now so wide it was starting to hurt. His eye socket ached and his face stung so he was sure he was going to have a black eye tomorrow but he didn't let anything show in his expression. 

Christopher laughed and shook his head. The kid could take a joke, not to mention he had an infectious laugh. Buck laughed a little himself and then stood up, careful not to put too much weight on his bad ankle. He was taller than Eddie, he noticed now, and he sort of regretted standing up when he noticed how he dwarfed Christopher. 

"Dad, Buck needs some ice and a first aid kit," Christopher said, abruptly drawing Eddie back into the conversation. "We've got one in our car." 

"That's okay, you don't have to-- " Buck said before being cut off by Eddie's smile. It was a lot toothier than Christopher's, mildly threatening in a way that said he was going to treat Buck's injuries and wasn't going to take no for an answer. Buck didn't know the dizziness was from the pain or from being properly turned on by someone since he started dating Abby.

"Nonsense. We can't leave you in this alleyway. And if I'm going to be a firefighter, I'll have to get used to treating people in alleyways." And with that, Buck was sold. Eddie was beautiful, competent, had an adorable son and was training to be a firefighter. Even if Buck had tried, he couldn't have described a more perfect man. 

"You're going to be a firefighter? When do you finish training?" Buck asked as Eddie helped him over to his car. 

**

"So she just send you a text saying it was over?" Eddie's eyebrows were so high on his forehead they almost disappeared into his hair. 

"And it hurt. It really hurt, but at least she did it now. It would have been worse to be strung along for months on end and wonder whether we were still together or not." Buck felt a yawning hurt and a sense of deep disappointment in himself. His first real relationship, not counting his high school girlfriend who lasted barely a month, and he had managed to screw it up so badly that Abby fled the country. 

"Yeah, the uncertainty's always worse." Eddie took a swig of his beer and Buck gave him a look. They had done this enough times that Buck could tell Eddie was holding something back. 

"Eddie?" Buck prompted. Eddie wasn't one for talking, but Buck liked to leave him openings just in case. He knew how hard it was to say something honest, especially when it felt like there was no chance to do so. Eddie hesitated, opened his mouth and then closed it again. Buck took another sip of beer and let the silence settle.

"Christopher's mother left me two years ago. She said she needed space and I know she was coming to look after her mother who had cancer. But two years?" 

"That's a long time to be waiting." Buck didn't judge Shannon, at least not that much. Her mother was sick, it sounded like she and Eddie were having major problems and Eddie's parents seemed to regard their son as a lackluster parent, let alone their daughter-in-law they never fully approved of. But to be away from Christopher for two years without any contact? Buck couldn't imagine that and he had only known Christopher for a month and a half. 

"You think I should move on?" Eddie asked. 

Buck sighed and shrugged. "Look, it's complicated. You've got Christopher to think about. I just think if you meet someone you like, you shouldn't shy away from it. You deserve to have someone, Eddie." 

Eddie looked at Buck, his eyes dark. He took a swig of his beer and Buck's gaze dropped to his mouth. 

"You're right, Buck," Eddie said. 

**

Buck showed up to Eddie's house for their third date, only to received Eddie's apologetic face as soon as he opened the door. 

"You're cancelling," Buck said. He was disappointed but he trusted Eddie wouldn't cancel on him without a reason. Eddie wasn't that kind of guy. 

"My sitter cancelled," Eddie said. "And my abuela is having a seniors' thing at her church and-- " 

"Eddie, it's okay." Buck held up his hands to stop the flow of words. "If you don't have anyone to watch Christopher, then we can't go out. If you want, we can do pizza and movies." 

"Buck!" Christopher was suddenly there by the front door, leaning on Eddie. "Are you here to play? Dad said you were going out for dinner." 

"What dinner would be complete without you?" Buck asked. "Actually, Eddie was reminding me that we have had two dates just the two of us and so it's about time for one with all three of us." He glanced at Eddie, hoping to see if there were any protest to this plan. Eddie shook his head, but there was a smile on his face and his expression was fond. 

Christopher's face lit up and he grabbed Buck's hand and pulled him inside. "Buck, my abuela got me Up. Kevin at school said there is a talking dog in it."

"Really?" Buck didn't know whether that was one of the older Disney films or not, his parents never approved of Maddie and him watching any TV, but it sounded like a fun one. "That makes any movie better." 

"I know, right?" Christopher said. Buck glanced back at Eddie. 

"Hey, Christopher, why don't you go and get the movie ready? I'll be just a sec." Christopher looked between Eddie and Buck before nodding and heading to the living room. 

"You alright with this?" Eddie asked and Buck let out a laugh. 

"That was going to be my question. I'm the one who invited himself into your home." Buck put a hand on his arm, enjoying the feel of muscle underneath his hand. 

"Well, Christopher really invited you in," Eddie said. "It's okay, Buck. I want you here. I'm glad you want to be here too." 

"Not hard," Buck said honestly. "Christopher is my favourite Diaz after all, though his dad is pretty high up there." He gave Eddie a flirty smile and got a small blush in reward. If Christopher wasn't in the next room, Buck could follow that up. 

"Dad, when can we get pizza?" Christopher's voice came from the living room. It broke the moment, which Eddie acknowledged with a small laugh. 

"Guess there's a reason people don't normally take their kids on dates," he said quietly. "Yeah, Christopher, we'll order it now." 

"I don't know. It may not be what I expected but pizza and a movie sounds perfect." Buck gave Eddie another grin and went to join Christopher in the living room. 

**

"You graduating this week right?" Buck asked Eddie in between kisses. He pushed Eddie back onto the couch and straddled him, making sure to grind down on him at the same time. Eddie's head fell back and he gasped up at the ceiling, making the prettiest picture ever. 

"Yeah. Top of my class," Eddie said in that way which made it obvious he wasn't bragging, it was more stating a fact. No false modesty from him and Buck loved it. There was no way he could pull it off himself, he knew he sounded like bragging even when he didn't mean to, but on Eddie it was just unshakeable confidence in his abilities. 

"And you're going to Station Six," Buck said as he ran his hands down Eddie's chest and grasped his belt, not careful about brushing his fingers over the bulge in Eddie's jeans. 

"You going to try and persuade me to come to the 118 again?" Eddie asked with a breathless laugh. 

"I can be very persuasive," Buck purred and that made Eddie laugh so much that he almost threw Buck off. 

"You could convince a nun to sin," Eddie said and Buck kissed him in reward. They made out a bit longer, losing both their belts and Buck's T-shirt before he pulled back. 

"I'm just saying, we could be a really good team together." He nudged Eddie's cheek with his nose before kissing his cheek and pulling back. Eddie put a hand on the back of his neck, a warm, grounding weight that served to remind Buck of how long it had been since he had this. Eddie and him had only been seeing each other for a month, both of them moving slow since their previous relationships ended so badly, but he already felt this pull towards Eddie which was hard to ignore. 

"I know, Evan," Eddie said before pulling Buck's head down. There was no more talking that night. 

**

After one of the hottest, busiest weeks of the year, Buck opened the door of his wonderfully air-conditioned car, only to be hit by a wall of heat. He pulled out his phone and saw Eddie had replied to his text. 

_Good luck on your first day! I'm jealous of Six, they don't know how lucky they are :)_

_Thanks, Evan. You were very persuasive._

"What does that even mean?" Buck asked himself as he walked into the firehouse. He was about to shoot off a message when he saw Bobby, Hen and Chim chatting in front of him and it was the perfect opportunity to show off how much work he had been putting into the calendar. 

They weren't impressed, but Buck hadn't expected them to be, and they had teased him, which was also expected. Bobby and Chim both said they would enter into the competition but Buck didn't know whether they were actually serious or just pulling his leg. 

"Now that is a beautiful man," Chim said, interrupting the round of teasing.

Even though he had Eddie, he still turned his head because if very straight Chim was saying this, then he had to be something to look at. He blinked a few times as he saw exactly who was pulling on a T-shirt. Chim was right, Eddie was beautiful but also very confusing. 

"Who is that?" he asked despite knowing exactly who he was. He was completely freaking out and his whole brain had shut down. His team didn't even know he liked guys, let along that he was dating one in particular. Yeah, he and Eddie had only been going out for a few weeks but there were something there. 

"Eddie Diaz, new recruit. Graduated top of his class just this week. Guys at Station Six were dying to have him but I convinced him to join us," Bobby said. Buck looked back at Eddie and wondered what Bobby would say if Buck said he was pretty sure Eddie had joined them because Buck had asked him to. Why hadn't Eddie told him he changed his mind? He and Buck could have talked about what they wanted to do and how much they wanted to say at the station.

Of course now Buck had acted like he didn't know who Eddie was so everything would be really awkward and confusing if he suddenly said he and Eddie already knew each other. But they didn't even know he was bi and he was pretty sure Bobby would have something to say about him dating his new co-worker. Eddie and him were new (but good) and he really didn't want to face the scrutiny and teasing of his coworkers. They would be absolutely fine with him dating a guy, he knew, but one he worked with would be confusing things. 

He spouted off some bullshit that he knew sounded jealous as he tried to work out what he wanted to do. Surely Eddie didn't want to be out about dating Buck when he was the probie of the station. If Buck was in his position, he would want to make an impression as himself, not someone else's boyfriend. And he wasn't just anyone's boyfriend, he was Buck's and the whole Buck 1.0 thing as well as not exactly telling them that some of his hook-ups were guys would make the two of them gossip fodder for months.

The rest of the team went over to say hello and Buck turned sharply around and moved off somewhere. He had to think for a few minutes and talk to Eddie when the team weren't around. They had to figure out what was going on, he had to work out what exactly he wanted to do now. He had wanted Eddie here, and made that clear to him, but it was only now when Eddie was actually here in the 118 that possible problems started to make themselves clear.

He managed to corner Eddie as soon as Bobby, Chim and Hen had introduced themselves and left Eddie to it. 

"Eddie," he said, still a little amazed he was here. It was weird to see the one person he had outside of work inside of the firehouse. 

"Buck," Eddie said, one of Buck's favourite smiles lighting up his face. Yes, Chim was right. He was a really beautiful man. Buck glanced around at the firehouse. No chance of a hug here, not when everyone could see. "Er, surprise?" 

"Yeah, a little." Buck looked at Eddie. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming here?" 

Eddie ducked his head a little. He didn't look apologetic as such, but maybe a little sheepish. "At first I thought about surprising you. And then I started to have doubts about whether you would really want me here. But I had already said yes to the Captain so I was just going back and forth about telling you and then it got too late." 

"You still should have given me some warning, man. I'm not out here at work and I accidentally made out that I didn't know you at all when Bobby told us about you." Eddie gave him a questioning look. "I was surprised! I wasn't expecting you." 

"Aren't you a firefighter? Aren't you supposed to be prepared for these kinds of surprises?" Eddie asked with a grin. 

"Not this kind! Give me a surprise fire in a high rise over my boyfriend showing up around my very nosy friends." The alarm went off just as Eddie was going to say something else and the two of them headed to the truck. 

**

It turns out that Buck could be really stupid sometimes. And it was weird to be called out at work by his boyfriend, who was pretty much the perfect firefighter. It wasn't like he was a newbie, he fit right in. So if he had just been one of his new coworkers that he had managed to piss off, he probably would have gone home to stew about it and then come back in to work things out. But this was Eddie, his boyfriend, and Buck knew he wasn't trying to show him up. He wasn't even trying to prove himself, he had just seen a person needing help and knew the best way to give it. Buck loved that about him, but he couldn't help but feel threatened at the same time. 

If only he hadn't been such a jackass about it. He noticed Eddie heading into the locker room to change and followed him in. 

"You going to tell me what's going on?" Eddie asked when he noticed Buck was there. More than anything, Buck wished they had solid walls to the locker room so he could touch Eddie in some way. He needed that grounding, that reminder that Eddie and him were still together. Hopefully they were still together after Buck's behaviour that day. 

"It's just - it's like this," Buck said and then couldn't go forward. 

"Did I do something?" Eddie asked. Buck shook his head. "Did something else say something?" Buck hesitated before that was partly right. "Okay then. Did they say something about you or me?" 

"It's not like they said anything," Buck said and then winced as he remembered Bobby's praise of Eddie. It was all well-deserved and in any other situation, Buck would be pulling Eddie to his side and talking about how brilliant he was. But it was at work, in Buck's place of work, and it stung to see the difference. "When I first started, they welcomed me, yeah, but I was the probie. With the grunt work and reserving judgement until they prove themselves. And I know it's different with you, because you've already proved yourself even if you neglected to mention the whole Silver Star thing." 

"Not something I like to bring up on dates, to be fair," Eddie quipped but he nodded. "I get it. It's about paying your dues and knowing how something works before stepping in the middle." 

"But you did good with that guy," Buck said, not wanting Eddie to doubt what he did at the tyre shop. "And you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just -- comparing to when I first started here." 

Eddie looked completely understanding and Buck was reminded that he got this. The army was different from a firefighter crew but it was similar in certain ways. The new guy always had to prove themselves before they were truly accepted and for someone not to do that -- well, it was a good thing Buck already knew and liked Eddie otherwise he probably would have reacted even worse.

"It's not your problem, Eddie. I just need to get over myself." Buck shook his head. "I like you being here and you're good. At your job." 

Eddie laughed. "Thanks, Buck. Look, I've heard so much about you from everyone else. You're really respected here and I want to work well with you. And not just because we're dating." 

"I liked that you choose here but I kind of wish you had told me before I saw you stripping in the laundry area." Eddie looked bemused for a moment and then laughed as Buck gestured at the area where they kept the clean T-shirts and towels.

"Yeah I know." Eddie bit his lip and looked away and Buck noticed Bobby and Hen watching the two of them from a discrete distance away. They were pretending to talk about something on a clipboard Bobby was holding but Buck had known them too long to be fooled by that. "I just -- I knew there would be a talk about work and whether we should tell people. And I didn't want... I don't..." 

"I don't want to tell anyone," Buck said and knew he had made the right decision when he saw the look of relief on Eddie's face. "Apart from the fact that no one here knows I like guys as well as girls, there is also the fact that you're new and you really don't want to be known as Buck's boyfriend." 

Eddie narrowed his eyes at Buck, but more thoughtful than angry. "There's something there." 

Buck fidgeted for a second before realising what he was doing and consciously stilling his hands. "Erm, I didn't really-- before Abby, I kind of slept around a lot. And I brought it to work. It got me fired for a little bit." Eddie's eyebrows had gone up and Buck felt ashamed of himself. He didn't like to think about Buck 1.0 because he could see how he had come across to everyone else and he really didn't want that to be the impression people got of him. But mostly because it made him remember just how unhappy he was back then and how he didn't even know it, let alone what he could do to solve it.

"Look, we all have our pasts," Eddie said. "And yeah, you're right in that I want to find my feet before I bring our relationship under scrutiny but that has nothing to do with who you were before. If both of us wanted to be out in six months time and felt comfortable sharing our relationship at work, then I would be proud to stand up and say you were mine and I was yours." 

Buck forgot about where they were or even who was watching. He felt lighter than he had in months. "Yeah?" Eddie made an abortive movement towards Buck and then looked at the walls around them. 

"Why the fuck are these made of glass?" Eddie muttered. "Come over tonight when Chris is in bed. You free?" Buck nodded. He tried to repress his smile but it kept sneaking out. Eddie shook his head at him but he had a smile on his lips as well. "Great. Then can you tell me why the Cap and Hen have been watching us for the last five minutes?" 

"Because this is one of the nosiest crews ever," Buck said. He could see what Eddie was doing and was grateful, even if he mourned the lightening of the air between them. He wanted to kiss Eddie, or touch him at the very least, and it sucked that he couldn't do that without inviting ten million questions from everyone around them. "Even if I was out and you weren't new, I think I would still keep a new relationship to myself. They're our team and all but there's a reason I didn't tell them when we started dating even before I knew you were coming here." 

"And they're protective of you," Eddie said as he glanced over at Hen and Bobby, making it obvious that he knew they were there. Hen gave a wave and Bobby a nod, both unapologetic about being caught spying. 

"They wanted to make sure I made up with you. Bobby sounded so excited about you working on our truck, he kept giving me eyes after I snapped at you." Buck shrugged. "Sorry about that." 

"Don't worry about it. I did sort of spring myself on you, no matter how much you said about wanting me to join the 118." 

"And I do want you here," Buck said. "Don't doubt that, okay? It was just a surprise and I hadn't really thought through everything that involved." Eddie looked pleased and Buck knew Hen and Bobby were mentally cheering at Buck making up with the new guy. 

"I'm glad. We'll talk more later, right?" 

Buck nodded and the two of them headed towards the small gym. 

**

After the live grenade, the man who cemented a microwave to his head and a traffic collision at an intersection that turned heated after one of the women threw a punch, Buck and Eddie finally got a chance to talk privately. 

"You coming over tonight?" Eddie asked Buck as soon as they were in the locker room alone. "Christopher is with my abuela for the night." 

"It's a shame to miss out on time with my favourite Diaz, but I guess I could settle for you." Buck grinned at Eddie. "I'll follow you home?" Eddie nodded and Buck had to make sure he didn't look too happy when he left, calling out goodbyes to his friends as he did so. He sent a quick text to Maddie just in case she was waiting up for him.

Back at Eddie's house, Buck felt free to pull Eddie into a hug and kiss as soon as they were over the threshold. Eddie returned the kiss as eagerly as he normally did but when Buck tried to pull him closer, Eddie pulled back. 

"Don't you think we should talk first?" Eddie asked and Buck felt like he had swallowed something cold. Eddie obviously saw something on his face. "Not like that! Buck-- Evan, I just meant that we haven't had a chance to talk about us working together." Eddie gave Buck another kiss and then drew him into the living room, sitting them both on the couch. 

"I think we're doing okay with working together so far," Buck said cautiously. "I mean, yeah we haven't had any dangerous calls and we don't know how we'll react until we're in that situation." Buck was pretty sure he wouldn't handle it well, but then again they could be just friends and he still wouldn't handle Eddie being in danger well. 

"I guess so." Eddie nodded. "But you said you're not out at work and you're right-- I want to find my feet before bringing up the whole single father who has a kid with CP who is dating the station's golden boy into it." 

"I'm not the station's golden boy," Buck protested. "And the whole thing with Shannon and Christopher will be less of a problem than you think. We're not exactly the best station for traditional families." Eddie didn't look convinced. "But not the point, I get that." 

Eddie put his hand on the side of Buck's neck, caressing Buck's skin with his thumb. "I know you do. And I get not wanting to expose a new relationship to scrutiny at work, especially when we're in each other's space all the time." Buck nodded his agreement. He loved his family at the firehouse but he really didn't need Chim and Hen speculating about Eddie and him, or Bobby trying to give him advice. "But me wanting to keep things private has nothing to do with you or your reputation. I'm proud to date you and no previous relationships are going to mess with that." 

"Eddie." Buck ducked his head, sure he had revealed too much when he and Eddie had talked about it earlier. Eddie's smile said he knew just how pleased and embarrassed Buck was at this. 

"So we keep our relationship out of work and work out of our relationship as much as possible." Eddie pulled Buck closer and Buck went willingly. He knew this conversation was important but he felt like he had said everything that needed to be said in the locker room at work and now he just wanted to get the part they definitely couldn't do at work. 

"Take it as it comes?" Buck asked as he gently pushed Eddie against the arm of the couch. "We can definitely make it work." 

"You _are_ very persuasive," Eddie said right before he pulled Buck down the remainder of the way. 


End file.
